10/3/09

Once you start to understand yourself, you start to understand the world around you... once you begin to understand the world around you, you begin to understand yourself... and when you begin to understand yourself, you start to understand the world around you... and so on...

Writter's Block

I'm listening to Nirvana! haha.

"You're ruining it for me... She's ruining it for me... are those your boots... I dont wanna talk tonite."

All I got. I want to go to half price books and buy watercolors and join a yoga class.

9/24/09

Once while attending my regular church at the time, I heard a sermon from a guest speaker they had while I was attending a conference. His name was Jay Bakker, son to Tammy Faye and Jim Bakker (evangelist seen on the local Christian Network). Otherwords, Christian Celebrities whose lives had been on close watch and exposed on teevision worldwide for years. But that statement in itself is not a topic I would like to go into detail about right now. However, I'm going to touch base on a sermon I heard from Jay. He said something so profound that I has stuck with me for the past three years and I often ponder the phrase. He said something along the lines of "Being someones friend because you're "supposed" to as a Christian, and loving them, in all sincerity, isn't the true love of Christ."

When he said that it blew my mind. I never thought about having a calling or duty as a Christian to befriend someone just because it was my "job". He said that he had met many Christians growing up who in the end turned out that they didn't much care for WHO HE WAS they just felt like it was their duty to befriend him. Now I have reached a point in my walk with God... and I'm almost paranoid you could say that my fellow brethren, regarldless if they love me or not, are their to help me but is it the ME that I really am that leads one to connect to another? Or else why would God have you in the same place as the other if it wasn't his calling or will for the two to have the same ideal of God, the ultimate. Alpha and Omega as the same God and in return find that love within each other.

I want to love and be loved for the uniqueness God has given to me and others.

Is agape love something that causes one to grit their teeth when they have to be around someone to love even though they can't stand being in their presense? I dont know. Does God work like that? Does My God work that way? I mean, I can't stand alot of things in my family but I still love them. Now... I dont force myself to love them. I ask God to change that in me and be open and accepting to his will for the person or situation.

Is agape love the type we have for family and others around us, including the one that God has designed us to be with. Or is that love between the two something different. Are we called to "help" other brothers and sisters because we are supposed to or because we want to or because we truly love them? And then at what point does that agape love change... or does it? Some thing I have yet to figure out, hoping God will reveal some sort of answer soon. I'm blaming it on the fact that I am female.

Oh... and refuring back to one of my previous post about the Justice system in Texas. Only God is the true Justifier. We have faith in Him to restore our short comings and bing Justice to where it is due. Man is simple human, fallable on or at command... to try his best and regulate with as much good as possible to help us along our path. It took me a year to realize the true importance of authority in America. And what it really is.

Love is...

something sacred that it's hard to talk about.

Blue Like Jazz

Nonreligious thoughts on Spirituality by: Donald Miller

Finished this book a few days ago. Here are some of my favorite quotes.

"The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." (pg. 86)

"Our behavior will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and the human will accomplish what he never thought possible." (pg. 86)

"I lay there under the stars and thought of what a great responsibility it is to be human. I am a human because God made me. I experience suffering and temptation because mankind chose to follow Satan. God is reaching out to me to rescue me. I am learning to trust Him, learning to live by His precepts that I might be preserved." (pg. 101)

"If you believe something, passionately, people will follow you. People hardly care what you believe, as long as you believe something. If you are passionate about something, people will follow you because they think you know something they don't, some clue to the meaning of the universe."

"So many years before I made amends to God, but now I had made amends to the world. I was somebody who was willing to share my faith. It felt kind of cool, kind of different. It was very relieving." (pg. 127)

"I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people..." (pg. 146-147)

"If we are not able to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus." (pg. 185)

"On the other hand, however, I felt by loving liberal people, I mean by really endorsing their existence, I was betraying the truth of God because I was encouraging them in their lives apart from God." (pg. 216)

"I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson." (pg. 220)

"That is, we are supposed to speak truth in love. If both conversations are not true, God is not involved in the exchange, we are on our own, and on our own, we will lead people astray." (pg. 221)

"God's love will never change us if we don't accept it." (pg. 232)

"But I actually believe there is something bigger than me, and I need for there to be something bigger than me, I need someone to put awe inside me; I need to come second to someone who has everything figured out." (pg. 237)

I Fucking Love You.

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them out on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up."

On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?

We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and hhonesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappyness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual expirience, this business of resentment is infinately grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Taken from pages 64-66 of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

... eating my fair share of humble pie right now.

Resenting myself for not always saying what I'm really thinking about.

Working for a Nuclear Free City.

I'm retarted for not listening to that album sooner.

Also Listening:

Summer 09' - Top Five (so far...)

1. Somery- Descendents
2. It's Blitz- YYY's
3. Internal Wrangler- Clinic
4. 10,000 Days- Tool
5. In Utero- Nirvana

Currently Listening:

Currently Watching:

"Lead me not into temptation but deliver me from ego..."

I heard someone actually say "ego" in replace of "evil" at the last AA meeting I went to. Classic.

I just finished this.

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing.
By: Judy Blume

Next... "Superfudge". Rehashing chilhood favorites. Keeps the brain juice goin.

and here is a quote I read yesterday,
"Simple truths come in complicated ways to me when I become ego driven."

GRINDHOUSE

My roomates had literally like 3 Grindhouse posters up in our garage and I was always like "What is that?" and just thought it was probably something really lame that only stoners would be into. Boy, was I right. HAHAHAHA. No really. Hands down... Hands up, whatever- "Planet Terror" out of Queten Tarantino's Grindhouse series is THE BEST Zombie movie I have ever seen. And it's not JUST another Zombie flick. I would call it an action, horror, comedy. Its got major effects, amazing cinematography, and a fantastic cast! Love it. Watch it.


Oh yea.... I fell asleep after it was over so I still haven't seen "Death Proof" the other film of the set.

S and M

Theology, Philosophy, Psychology.. its all the same. Isn't it? Well, not really if you want to be a Nazi about it. But connecting thought and idea when using your brain, can result in similar beliefs and correlations. Now understanding those is a little different and takes a bit more culturing in over looked and over used phrases. For example: "S&M" also known as Sadomasochism, Sadism, or Masochism.

"You mean leather bondage right?" Not exactly. S&M has been a term used in refering to sexual pleasure derived from pain. Sexual pleasure can be taken to the literal sense with whips, chains, and handcuffs or to a more scientific level of dopamine arousal in the brain. Sex can be looked at as a purely physical act, if you allow it. But there is so much more mentally and spiritually that tie the two together. Just as sex raises levels in the brain, so do other mental and physical scenarios that we all go through in everyday living. Feelings of injustice or suffering. Living in fear or appraisal.. I find that these also apply to the S&M mindset and are often used as means of survival, control, or even power.

"Sadism refers to sexual or non-sexual gratification in the infliction of pain or humiliation upon another person. Masochism refers to sexual or non-sexual gratification from receiving the infliction of pain or humiliation.[1]" Thank you Wikipedia.org

This is where the psychology of the Masochist and Sadist begin to unfold in the war like game that goes on between the two, creating the arousal of "Who is in charge now?" (kind of childish game). Remember when you were a child and the opposite sex had "cooties" and so you didn't want to touch them or play games? But really you were very intrigued by that girl or boy but you just didn't understand how to process those feelings at such a young age. Automatically our brain goes into some sort of survival mode, no matter at what age. In the majority of human behavior, or intelligent design, that can result in S&M tendancies- whether that be mental or physical. These behaviors and actions have been theorized for many years by well known psychologist who have even devoted time in writing books on the subject.


If you have no clue what I am refuring to I suggest reading the "Sadomasochism" page in full off of Wikipedia.org it is basic Anthropology. AND it is very interesting...

"the exchange of power in S&M may not be along the expected lines. While it might be assumed that the "top"—the person who gives the sensation or causes the humiliation—is the one with the power, the actual power may lie with the "bottom", who typically creates the script, or at least sets the boundaries, by which the S&M practitioners play."

Masochism?

"The reaction to the real or imagined creator of suffering is pictured in the Old Testament itself as wrath, ill temper. Suffering produces fruits like curses, imprecations, and prayers for vengeance more readily than reform and insight. Suffering causes people to experience helplessness and fear; indeed intense pain cripples all power to resist and frequently leads to despair." [Soelle, Suffering, 21]

Apathy?

"Apatheia is a Greek word that literally means non-suffering, freedom from suffering, a creature's inability to suffer.... Apathy is a form of the inability to suffer. It is understood as a social condition which people are so dominated by the goal of avoiding suffering that it becomes a goal to avoid human relationships and contacts altogether. In so far as the experiences of suffering, the pathai (Greek for the things that happen to a person, misfortunes) of life are repressed, there is a corresponding disappearance of passion for life and of strength and intensity of its joys." [Soelle, Suffering, 36]

More on Theodicy & Suffering can be found on this site.

Love & Hate

How can you love someone who makes you feel so insecure that you hate everything about yourself?





First of all, we create the things that we hate. Not only about ourselves but the things we find in others. Second, we can't control what we love.



Why do we try?


It could just be the natural balance we keep.

Are you satisfied?

(relevent Seinfeld clip, "I'm full after the Rizotto.")

What does it mean to be satisfied? I'm not going to pull up any more cheeky dictionary quotes. Especially for satisfaction because everyone has different moral values, wants, needs, ethics, different outlooks on life in general which determine your level of satisfaction.

Me personally, I am rarely satisfied. I dont know if I choose to not be so that I am constantly stressing for something greater, wanting to expirience something at its best potential... I dont allow myself the pleasure of being satisfied so that I dont become complacent and mundane with whatever it is I may find myself to enjoy at the moment. Or maybe its just the simple fact that I am not satisfied with myself- therefore, can't find it in the things that revolve around me (wow, I'm shocked that I even made that last statement). For whatever reason why, I feel like a headcase at times and I will further explain...

I have found that all types of things bring satisfaction to people. For some it could be the smallest of things like a drawing on a napkin from your bf or gf, a smiley face on top of a cupcake, or a hug from your Grandma. But some people need more to find it. For example, a new house with a pool, the most expensive car on the lot, or that tripple bonus around the holiday season. Whatever you may find you NEED to be satisfied, regardless how materialistic or not it may seem, comes down to who you are and the choices that you make.

1. Assesing the situation- recognizing all that surrounds you. Whatever it may be: denial, confusion, complacency, joy, love, frustration, etc. These examples are a few feelings that create how we interpret and percieve our world.

2. Knowing your "self"- understanding why we choose to do the things that we do. This is key.

3. Staying true to what you believe- not only having some sort of religious obediance, but the freedom to express who you are with honesty, honoring what drives you to gain that truth.

4. Finding the good in all scenarios- I would hope that everyone would seek the "good" life but some do not. We fall short and desire lustfull actions that temporarily make us feel good. But when constantly seeking the positive... it will eventually start to find you.

5. Living life- gaining satisfaction and setting aside fear, allowing oneself to expirience their surroudings and how to manage them.

These are a few steps I have learned to acheiving the most out of the highs and lows in life. Basically, love yourself. Being satisfied with who you are. Changing what you dont like and accepting the things that you cannot.

SOBER- son o bitch everythings real

I've gotta quit smoking.

Back to life.

So like right now I really want a beer.
__

CON
–adverb
1.
against a proposition, opinion, etc.: arguments pro and con.


SCIENCE
–noun
1.
a branch of knowledge or study dealing with a body of facts or truths systematically arranged and showing the operation of general laws: the mathematical sciences.
2.
systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation.
__

Conscience. That's funny.

But I sit back and think about it for a second... "Do I really NEED that beer (or shot of whiskey or whatever your poison of choice may be)?" It would probably make me feel alot better. It'd send signals to the frontal lobe in my brain (this is what most people refur to as the conscience, the part that tells us right & wrong), heightening my dopamine (dopamine is like your own personal flow of exctasy) levels for about 30 minutes until oops, I dont feel happy and carefree anymore... your natural level of dopamine is now lower than it originally was and you need another beer or other substance to raise that level.

Now if I needed that beer, it isn't because so much my body has become dependant on it, but my mind has. Eventually the frontal lobe in the brain will quit working and the alcohol seeps its way into the midbrain (this is what most refur to as the "pleasure box" of the brain). However, this is not just refuring to sex. This pertains to EVERYTHING in your daily life, down to your basic necessities, and even daily problem solving.

Basically, once your right from wrong button is shut off, all you want to do after is what feels good or what feels "right" ...

A couple of rowdy nights of this can be fun, but when your brain starts to tell you that it needs that beer to function is when your natural exctasy is all out of wack and you can't really enjoy much naturally anymore. Unless you have made the natural choice to continue drinking the beer because it seems like a lifestyle that fits you.

OR-
For those with superior mind control.

If you feel like the previous statements do not apply to you... habitual use may. Just that physical habit or religous act of something you do over and over again can be something we all become dependant on and then once it's gone- or even just the idea or letting it go can be scary in fear of having nothing there in it's place.

Thus, tying into my previous post about THOUGHT and REALITY.

I have to say that out of all the narley definitions given off of dictionary.com, I am very unsatisfied with the one given for reality (the state or quality of being real). That could mean ANYTHING, ladies and gentlemen! Basically, reality is how you percieve it to be. Listed No.5 Philosophy.

If you want something bad enough... eventually you'll put yourself in a situation or your mind into a state in which you need that thing. But it's all about how long you allow yourself to stay in that state which determines your sanity, your philosophy, and yes- your reality. And if where you want to be allows for that thing to be there as well.

Why is it that we always want what we can't have? Is it some sort of problem that we try to solve or is it because we tell ourselves that we can't have it or maybe because others have said we can't have or achieve that thing? Mick Jagger help me out, "Sometimes... you might find... you get what you need."

Now I really want a beer.

Next topic SATISFACTION... I can't get no!

Wanting what you need.

__

WANT
–verb (used with object)
1.
to feel a need or a desire for; wish for


NEED
–noun
1.
a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation


IDEA [Also see THOUGHT -noun or THINK -verb]
–noun
1.
any conception existing in the mind as a result of mental understanding, awareness, or activity


REALITY
–noun
1.
the state or quality of being real.
2.
resemblance to what is real.
3.
a real thing or fact.
4.
real things, facts, or events taken as a whole; state of affairs: the reality of the business world; vacationing to escape reality.
5.
Philosophy.
a.
something that exists independently of ideas concerning it.
b.
something that exists independently of all other things and from which all other things derive.

__


Now that that is out of the way, I can begin to elaborate on all of the thoughts and feelings I have been pencing over the past year or two. To begin with, rock and roll. Mick Jagger said it best himself, "You can't always get what you want..." well, you know the rest. And if you do not, I'm very sorry but I probably dont want you reading this. You might as well stop now.

Are music and art distractions in today's society? Should we all be sitting around in face to face conversation, contemplating our next movements or ideals in life without the influences of someone elses expression on how they percieve the way they feel about a certain aspect or ideal in life? To maintain all sanity, music and art are very much a therapuetic necessity for one's mind. Whether you are the one playing it or listening to it.

So yes, music has become a necessity for me. I guess you could say that I need it to survive. Probably more than I need food or water. Okay, I'm not going to elaborate on that any more then I was going to because it could create a very awkward situation for me in the future.

This brings me to THOUGHT and REALITY.

When we want something and then go along in life without it for so long and realize that "Hey, I'm okay without that, I'm alive and I'm happy," is when we begin to realize what it is we really need. And then recognizing that need was met in return makes you happy. I would say that is what makes ONE or EVERYONE happy but that is not true. I must be speaking of myself only here.

But let me explain, alot of times we want things that are not beneficial to us. As a human culture. We are lustfull and desire things to be done immediately. What is it they are calling the newer generations? Amnesiac's who forget where they come from? Well, I am. But I can't say that boldy with 100% certainty for everyone of Generation Y.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for some thoughts I've been meaning to write down and just can't find myself to do it in fear of sounding stupid 5 years from now or for sounding naive to the person sitting on my right.

As the governor of CA would say "I'll be back."